The Rio 2016 Summer Olympics are well underway. While it has been fun so far to see amazing athletes excelling in events such as swimming, gymnastics, cycling, and volleyball, these are all sports we have seen before. We can’t help but wonder what it would be like if some of our favorite fictional sports from games, movies, and TV appeared in the Olympic Games. How would these “fantasy sports” fare as real Olympic sports?
Blitzball (Final Fantasy X)
What Is It?
This aquatic sport is played in a sphere of water infused with magical pyrefly (think glowing midi-chlorians that are big enough to see) to both maintain the spherical shape and to enable the participants to stay underwater for extended periods of time. The objective in Blitzball is for the player and their team to kick a 30 centimeter in diameter ball into the opposing team’s triangular goal. The team with the highest score at the end of two 5-minute periods wins.
Why Would It Be Awesome?
Blitzball is not only the main form of entertainment in Spira, it is a way of life with close ties to the local Yevon faith. In fact, the annual blitzball tournament is a time when everyone in Spira sets aside their differences and racial barriers to come together and celebrate. What could be more Olympian than that?
Will It Ever Happen?
Not Until we develop our own technology to hold water in a spherical shape and figure out how to breathe underwater. Although it would be hilarious to see people try using current scuba technology to approximate the game.
[Matthew Allen, Executive Games Editor]
Rocket League
What Is It?
Rocket League combines soccer with rocket-powered cars. Two teams of up to four players control these cars to push a giant ball into the opposing team’s goal. Teams play in an arena with sloping walls that cars with enough speed can climb to outmaneuver their opponents. There are boost pads arranged throughout the arena that fill up each player’s boost meter, allowing them to quickly speed across the arena, or even ram into and destroy opposing cars.
Why Would It Be Awesome?
Soccer is already an Olympic sport, so crowds understand the basic rules of ball-goes-into-goal. Now add rally-racing cars, a huge soccer ball, and an enormous pitch, and you’ve got Olympic Rocket League. It would be all the fun of soccer and destruction derbies combined. There is even a hockey variant for the Winter Games.
Will It Ever Happen?
For the most part, this is doable, it would just play out a lot slower in real life, and the cars would be a lot more fragile. Also, no respawns. Now if we can just figure out how to get cars to actually rocket into the air and perform a flipping kick…
[Jorge Albor, Games Editor]
Quidditch (Harry Potter)
What Is It?
Quidditch is a sport played by wizards and witches on flying broomsticks. The object of the game is to score more points than the other team. Players earn 10 points by sending the Quaffle through one of three goalposts at the opposing team’s side of the large, over-shaped pitch. If they manage to catch the Golden Snitch, they earn 150 points. A match is over when someone captures the Golden Snitch or the two team captains come to an agreement to cease play.
Why Would It Be Awesome?
Quidditch is the ultimate combination of several different sports, including soccer/football, baseball, and hockey. It’s the perfect showcase for a wide array of athletic talents. The Seeker must be observant, nimble, and quick in order to find and catch the Golden Snitch. The Keeper has to defend not just one, but three different goals simultaneously. The Chasers have to be excellent flyers that are able to weave their way through defenders and look out for passing and scoring opportunities. And the Beaters must be strong, with excellent hand-eye coordination to keep the Bludger away from their team and headed toward opposing players.
Will It Ever Happen?
Quidditch is actually a real sport. Major colleges around the nation field teams each year and send them to the Quidditch Cup. There’s even a documentary about the sport! While we don’t have actual flying brooms or homing-missile bludgers, the on-the-ground real-world version is still a thrilling game to watch. Quidditch also requires a lot of athleticism. If the sport continues to take off, it’s only a matter of time before Quidditch is part of the Summer Olympics.
[Jorge Albor, Games Editor]
BASEketball
What Is It?
BASEketball is a combination of H-O-R-S-E and beer league softball, mixed with a little streetball smack talk for good measure. The game featured in the movie of the same name written by and starring South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone. The object of the game is to make your way around the bases by shooting a basketball into the hoop for a variety of distances. The longer the shot, the more bases you earn. The defense can try to get into your head by hurling the most foul, lewd insults imaginable your way. You can see how the South Park guys would be good at this.
Why Would It Be Awesome?
Let’s face it, we are pretty much already here with our own level of political discourse. If we are going to insult each other, we might as well make a game out of it. Plus, this would make for awesome reality TV leading up to the Olympic Games.
Will It Ever Happen?
This one is actually plausible as it doesn’t rely on magic or technology to pull off. Nailing other countries with sick burns doesn’t necessarily adhere to the Olympic spirit (not to mention the need for translators on the court at all times). But I’m sure plenty of smack talk goes down between Olympic competitors on a regular basis already. This just rewards them for it.
[Matthew Allen, Executive Games Editor]
The Battle Room (Ender’s Game)
What Is It?
A sort of zero-gravity version of paintball, the Battle Room in Ender’s Game is one of the most captivating elements of the classic sci-fi novel.
Why Would It Be Awesome?
The game features the precision of shooting (an Olympic sport) and the strategic organization of basketball (also an Olympic sport). It would also be a thrilling event to watch from the sidelines.
Will It Ever Happen?
We’ve still got some work to do if we want to create zero gravity environments. Once that little problem is out of the way, I predict that Battle Room will become the next big thing in the world of Olympic sports.
[Jorge Albor, Games Editor]
Baskiceball (How I Met Your Mother)
What Is It?
Baskiceball is a combination of basketball and ice hockey created by Marshall Eriksen and his brothers in How I Met Your Mother. Featured on the episode “Belly Full of Turkey,” the rules of baskiceball aren’t exactly clearly defined, but theoretically involve shooting a basketball while skating on an ice rink.
Why Would It Be Awesome?
Described as an excuse for the brothers to “wail on each other”, baskiceball would bring a much-needed grit to the generally quite tame Olympic Games. Bringing the best of basketball (shooting hoops) together with the best of ice hockey (fighting on ice), baskiceball would definitely make for a great spectator sport.
Will It Ever Happen?
While technically the sport would be more suited to the Winter Olympics, the inclusion of basketball as an element of the fictional sport makes it count. However, the lack of rules and the heavy reliance on meaningless violence may be something of a barrier to it actually making the cut. And, as Lily points out in the show, let’s not even discuss that it would make much more sense being called iceketball.
[Colette Smith, Contributing Editor]
Pro-Bending (The Legend of Korra)
What Is It?
Pro-bending is a sport featured in The Legend of Korra that pits two teams against each other using only their bending abilities. Played on a hexagonal field, each team tries to gain as much territory as possible or drive their competitors out of the ring. Teams consist of an earthbender, a firebender and a waterbender, and each member uses their unique abilities against their opponents in a battle of skill, wits, strength, and strategy.
Why Would It Be Awesome?
Pro-bending would be the ultimate Olympic sport. Not only does it rely on the physical abilities of each team member working together, but it also requires a sharp mind to formulate strategies on the fly. And talk about an exciting spectator sport! Each round lasts just three minutes, so players are always on their toes. Plus, the quick-fire spectacle of elements used and bent in exciting new ways would make pro-bending perfect for television watching.
Will It Ever Happen?
Until humans evolve to a point where we have powers to bend the elements, sadly pro-bending isn’t likely to make an appearance on the Olympic schedule any time soon. However, when we do, this should be the first on the IOC list of new sports inclusions. What may be tricky from an Olympic Games perspective is that benders of a particular type tend to be a bit more regional, so teams formed by country may be difficult.
[Colette Smith, Contributing Editor]
