If there are two things about Christmas that always stand out, it’s the TV and the food. But if you’ve ever endured stress caused by spending time with relatives and suffering the standard cheesy holiday programming, we’ve got you. Christmas can be as classic as you want, but it’s also the best possible time of year to get a little weird. Thanks to Pagoda Egg Rolls, we’re ditching the Love Actually DVD to dig into some holiday TV that’s more salty than sweet. Join us as we rank the best cult classic episodes that will give you something more than just a warm and fuzzy feeling. So let’s put the egg rolls in. It’s gonna get weird.
Before we get started though, any good ranking needs a good ranking system (just like any good egg roll needs ‘Pagoda’ on the box). So, every episode of these holiday cult classics will be ranked on a scale of 1 to 5 Pagoda Egg Rolls. Naturally. How many Pagoda Egg Rolls we dish out will be based on how seasonally inappropriate they are. We’re getting weird, we don’t want some fluffy Hallmark Channel original about a pair of gingerbread bakers who fall in love and discover the meaning of Christmas. We want unique, yet still lovable – just like a warm Pagoda Egg Roll.
One Pagoda Egg Roll means Grandma might not get the jokes, but she’s not going to grab her Pagoda Egg Roll and leave the room.
Two Pagoda Egg Rolls means this show might have a couple of moments where your parents shake their Pagoda Egg Rolls at you with disdain.
Three Pagoda Egg Rolls means you should watch this alone while tucking into your Pagoda Egg Rolls. Definitely not suitable for the kids.
Four Pagoda Egg Rolls means you will likely get a Pagoda Egg Roll (or several) thrown at you, before being ordered to change the channel.
Five Pagoda Egg Rolls means you will likely be banished from all future family Holiday gatherings. Congratulations! You just saved the whole box of Pagoda Egg Rolls for yourself.
So with that very clear ranking system defined, let’s dive into some Holiday Cult Classics shall we?
Community – ‘Abed’s Uncontrollable Christmas’ (2010)
First up, with One Pagoda Egg Roll, is “Abed’s Uncontrollable Christmas” from the second season of Community. The family might not break out into chants of “six seasons and a movie”, but there’s a good chance you’ll all get something from it.
Stocked up with Claymation, Christmas Pterodactyls, ravenous humbugs and a very timely Lost reference, it’s peppered with Community’s trademark meta humour that you’ll definitely get while your Gran probably won’t. It’ll confuse her just enough that she thinks it’s sweet. A perfect holiday combo! Like Pagoda Egg Rolls and Grandpa’s “cough medicine”.
Rick & Morty – ‘Rattlestar Ricklactica’ (2019)
Coming in with a rating of Two Pagoda Egg Rolls is “Rattlestar Ricklactica” from the fourth season of Rick and Morty. This will probably require quite a lot of explaining to the relatives… most relatives aren’t as versed on testicle monsters as you’d expect. It’s not the most Christmassy of episodes, but Pagoda Egg Rolls aren’t the most Christmassy of foods… so who cares?!
Black Mirror – ‘White Christmas’ (2014)
Our Three Pagoda Egg Rolls spot is occupied by “White Christmas” – the 2014 Christmas Special episode of Black Mirror. It’s basically 90 minutes of emotional torture. Rafe Spall and Jon Hamm star as Joe and Matt, two men stuck in a cabin on a snowy Christmas day. Thus begins a journey of interlocking stories involving an online group Matt used to run that seduces women through implants known as Z-Eyes; a job he had after training cookies aka digital clones; and Joe’s tale of being blocked in real life by his fiancée and daughter that ends in a murder.
This deeply dystopian special is about as much fun as spending Christmas locked in a room with Pinhead from Hellraiser. Which admittedly does sound fun from a certain perspective.
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia – ‘A Very Sunny Christmas’ (2010)
Scoring a delicious Four Pagoda Egg Rolls is “A Very Sunny Christmas” from Season Six of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. What better way to ruin your relatives’ memories of Danny DeVito than by watching his naked, oily body squirm its way out of the lining of an office sofa. Just picture it as the delicious Pagoda Egg Roll filling spilling out of its center and ignore the reality of the situation.
South Park – ‘Woodland Critter Christmas’ (2004)
Our final selection, scoring a mouthwateringly tasty Five Pagoda Egg Rolls, is “Woodland Critter Christmas” – the holiday special from the 8th season of South Park. Here’s a list of things to warn your relatives about before you embark on this journey: blood, guts, other bodily fluids, animal sex, the Antichrist, butt stuff and of course, Santa with a shotgun. It’s enough to put you off eating anything… except some tasty Pagoda Egg Rolls.
There you have it! Our best cult classics for your weird Christmas. Freak out your relatives, make them question your sanity, then kick back with some Pagoda Egg Rolls and have a delicious time.
Please note – any family arguments that arise from your choices of television can be resolved with warm Pagoda Egg Rolls.
